bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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