She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
