The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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