I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
