How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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