shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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