Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
