After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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