so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
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