Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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