Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
