there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
