I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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