I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My liver just broke up with me...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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