Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
