She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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