I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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