Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
