Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize