ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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