Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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