i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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