I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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