It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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