Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm passing your future prison.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
