So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
