there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
