i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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