from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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