Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize