The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
