I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
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