sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
