you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
