you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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