So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
