go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
