It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
