Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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