Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
