so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
This is my gift to your gina
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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