Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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