I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
