so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
