i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Your penis caused this!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
