they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
