its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
