I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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