Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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