so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
