She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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