I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
