Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
