My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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