just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize
