def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
