my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
