my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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